Monthly Archives: August 2014

Silverback He-Bitches

[A silverback he-bitch past its prime, but still looking fine.]

If you know me in real life, or if you follow me on any social media site, you may have heard me reference something called a “silverback he-bitch” on an occasion or two. I now realize that I’ve never fully explained what these entities are. It’s not possible to overstate how important it is that more people become aware of the phenomenon that is the silverback he-bitch.

This silverback wants you to "lighten up" ;)

[This silverback wants you to “lighten up” ;) ]

The term “silverback he-bitch” originated in the 2005 critically acclaimed independent film, Duece Bigalow: European Gigolo. Though a mere throwaway line to describe an aging man-whore, that brief reference changed my life by giving me the guidance to assign a title to a breed and creed of elder gentlemen.

 

A silverback in its natural habitat, a bar.

[A silverback in its natural habitat, a bar.]

Generally speaking, silverback he-bitches are men 50 years of age or older who couldn’t care less about what society thinks of them. They love light denim, 85% of them are alcoholics, and 69 out of every 69 silverbacks have been divorced at least twice (it was totally their fault).

SilverbackTinyPonyTail

[Hell no.]

The silverback’s appearance is generally a good indicator of its attitude. The longer the mane, the bigger the fame. For instance, a silverback he-bitch with a little tiny pony tail has not fully committed to the life and reputation of a true silverback, so it deserves only a small amount of respect. That being said, this silverback may just be embarking upon the long journey of becoming “Top Shelf”, so it may be worth to keep an eye on that pup. Also, silverbacks with ponytails, even longer ones, are generally more business-like.

Top Shelf Silverback He-Bitch. Wow, it doesn't get better than this.

[Top Shelf Silverback He-Bitch. Wow, it really doesn’t get better than this.]

A silverback he-bitch with a long, beautiful, flowing mane, is, plainly speaking, Top Shelf. On numerous occasions I’ve nearly crashed my goddamn car because I saw one strutting down the side of the road. Top-Shelf Silverbacks don’t walk, they fucking strut. Their gray hair doesn’t show age, it shows experience. Top Shelf Silverback He-bitches are unapologetic, sexually deviants. The Top Shelf lives to pleasure women, almost exclusively with its mouth. THESE. MOTHERFUCKERS. EAT. ASS.

The only roof this silverback needs over its head, is a beautiful, silver fleece.

[The only roof this silverback needs over its head, is a beautiful, silver fleece.]

So there you go. Now you get it. The silverback he-bitch is to be respected, but keep your distance. You can’t hang with these guys. You don’t want to hang with these guys. If you see a top shelf silverback he-bitch, please post it on the internet under #SilverbackHeBitch.

Fly silver daddy, fly away.

[Fly silver daddy, fly away.]

Thanks for doing your part.

-Blake (I took all these photos)