Blake Wexler: 17 year-old Comedian

 

The first time I ever did stand up was when I was 15 years old. At first I would only do about fifteen to twenty open mics and bringer-shows a year because I didn’t have a driver’s license, therefore my incredibly supportive mother was forced to drive me everywhere (also for legal reasons, you can’t have an unsupervised 15 year-old bastard running around a bar).

All of my jokes had to do with high school, poop, my penis (“I am currently going through puberty, so right now I’m between small penis and slightly larger small penis”), but despite this I thought I was The Shit.

I just found a website that had a comedy profile that I had made when I was 17, which includes a brief bio that I wrote about myself.

My complete lack of self-awareness while writing this has given me so many douche-chills, I may now have douche-pneumonia. Here it is, unedited, I am so fucking sorry.

[deep breath]

1205

“Blake is a 17 year old comic from the Philadelphia area, who embarked on his comedy odyssey after taking a stand up comedy class in November of 2004. Blake was a sophomore in high school when he first got on stage. Blake had to take a break from comedy due to rigors of school work, but returned to comedy in May of 2005. He has been hooked ever since.

It’s not often you see someone Blake’s age (or any age for that matter) with the writing skills and delivery that Blake already possesses. Blake’s teenager point of view is rare and adds a nice twist on the shows that he performs on. Blake uses mostly clean material, with some immaturity sprinkled in. Blake’s jokes come from his experiences at school, his battles with puberty, and his young point of view on society.

Blake is not just a high school student, but a student of the comedy industry as well. With each show he improves, and with each show his need for attention grows. Thanks to Blake’s growing talent, attention isn’t too hard to come by these days.

Blake has recently expressed an interest in acting. He is now on file at a major casting agency in Philadelphia. Places that Blake has performed at are his high school, Spaghetti Warehouse, Champps, Helium Comedy Club, The Draught Horse, Bar Noir, Gotham Comedy Club, Rascals Cherry Hill, Comedy Cabaret NE Philly, The Philadelphia Comedy Cafe, and Aaron’s Comedy Cafe.”

My 21st Birthday

375191_591324979530_1712611592_n

Class.

My sister turned 21 recently, which is an event that caused me to reflect upon my own 21st birthday. My sister chose to spend her first night of legal drinking age having a refined dinner with friends, a glass of wine, and then spending the rest of the evening studying for a final that she had the next day. If my sister’s 21st birthday behavior was that of a responsible adult, I can only describe my actions as being those of a complete and utter piece of human fucking garbage.

I didn’t know too many people who were also 21 on my 21st birthday, and my special night fell on a Tuesday when most of my friends had class the next day, so there was really only a select few people who could celebrate with me. These people included my roommate (I’ll call him Jeffuhsun), one of my close friends and former roommates (let’s call him Jack Black), and my girlfriend at the time (we’ll call her Lydia).

I should have just waited to go out, but turning 21 was very important to me for a bunch of different reasons. First of all, I loved to drink. Second of all, Lydia was older than me, and I always felt bad that I couldn’t go out to bars with her because I felt like dating me was limiting her social life. The third reason has a lot to do with the first ,which is that I was probably a borderline alcoholic. Judging by the standards of how the average student at a small arts school consumes booze, I was a hardcore alcoholic, but relative a broader definition of college drinking, I drank like I went to a god damned state school. So I guess I was ok? [bursts into tears, makes fourteen apologetic phone calls]

80_1013568027721_171_n

Pretending like a spiked Gatorade was my penis, saluting no one in particular.

Alright, I am going to just get to it, I drank a lot that night. Way too much, both in terms of quantity and variety. Here are the types of alcohol that I drank during my 21st birthday.

Confirmed: Ketel One vodka (shots), Jager (shots, gross.), Jack Daniels (shots), a Blueberry Beer (pint. There were actual blueberries in it).

Unconfirmed: (these are what I believe I drank after I blacked-out thanks to witness testimony): An unnamed well (more like poor!)-vodka (shot), and a Guinness (pint).

Now that you know the players, here is how the game went. I lost.

After meeting at my Fenway apartment, Jeffuhsun, Jack Black, Lydia, and I walked to a place called Boston Beer Works. Living in Fenway, I had walked by that place tons of times, and in honor of Boston’s rich tradition of homophobia and Irish alcoholism, I bought a beer with fucking fruit in it. Having already been extremely drunk, it is unclear at which point during that bar visit Jeffuhsun bid us adieu, but he was gone before we left.

197833_1003254376361_9216_n

Drinking beer out of a Wiffle Ball bat.

As we walked across a bridge over the Massachussetts turnpike, I remember Jack Black attempting to throw a traffic cone over the side of it, to no avail (Jack Black had even more trouble holding his liquor than I did). Lydia looked on in concern.

As I write this, I now realize Lydia was there more as a chaperone and caretaker than my girlfriend. The girl was a trooper, god bless her.

Next we walked to a place that I think was called Cornwallace’s or like St. George’s Crow, I literally have no fucking idea. Upon entering the bar, Lord Blake of Alcoholism decided to announce his royal presence by reaching into his pocket, pulling out a Nerf football (my friend Sarah gave it to me as a gift, so of course I brought it out to bars with me), and proceeded to fire a pass down to the opposite end of the bar.

Now, just incase the owners of the establishment somehow missed a loud drunk child throwing a football across their bar, the football was equipped with whistles attached to it, so as soon as the ball left my hand it sounded like a god damned air raid was taking place. Everyone in the establishment stared at us in shock. Lydia then proceeded to profusely apologize, telling them it was my 21st, and then my brain shut off. No recollection of anything that happened after that for a little while.

When my brain turned itself on again, I was in mid air. I thought to myself, “My god, I died. I drank myself to death, and now I’m floating up to heaven. You know what? This isn’t that bad. It’s actually kind of nice!” Then I hit the floor. I had fallen off my stool. When I looked up, Jack Black was screaming/talking shit to a group of Boston fuck’s, whom were understandably sick of our shit (I found out later that Jack Black had been talking trash to those guys all night for no reason whatsoever, so at least that one wasn’t on me).

Myself and comedian Eric Krug. 2011

Myself and comedian Eric Krug. 2011

That was it, don’t remember anything else. Spent the rest of the night vomiting/making things very difficult for Lydia. Woke up the next day, went to class, but not before hopping off the subway two stops before where I went to school so I could vomit in a trashcan.

So in closing, an enormous shout out to my sister, who is a far better person than I’ll ever be. This drink’s for her.

 

 

*Editor’s Note: Got really bummed out while writing this both because of my past reprehensible behavior/the fact that I am aging.

 

**Editor’s Note: I am the editor.

My 1.5 Weeks of Sobriety

I have not had a drink in a week and a half, and I actually feel like I have enough authority to speak in front of a large group of teens who are struggling with addiction. But since there are apparently people more qualified to do this, here is the gist speech I would give to those teens if given the opportunity.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not quitting drinking (I’m not a fucking idiot). I had the sniffles and cough coughs so I went I antibiotics for a few days, and after being drunk for about three months straight I decided it was a good time for a little break.

If you’re struggling with addiction, I just want you to know that it’s possible to stop for a week and a half. The first few days are tough, but you can do it. Drink La Croix, if you can’t feel drunk, at least you can feel rich. My roommate (who is two weeks into his temporary sobriety, the man is a fool and a showoff) and I showed up to a party last Saturday completely sober. We brought a bag full of seltzer waters. Were we judged? No. But could we have been judged? I mean probably not, everyone there was pretty nice and I mean we’re all adults whatever someone else does is their business. We stayed for an hour, and then I had a massive coughing attack and had to leave.

When I have my first drink tomorrow night (there’s no way in fuck I’m going two weeks without whiskey), I’ll be thinking about all I’ve learned from not drinking.

What I’ve learned during my heroic 1.5 week stint with sobriety:

1) The day is really long. Not in a bad way, but in a really really fucking boring way.

2) It is possible to drive at night. I never drink and drive, therefore I almost never drive at night. Now I know that driving at night is not much different from driving during the day, it’s just darker because the sun has gone down (but don’t worry, the sun will come up tomorrow).

3) Waking up before 9AM actually isn’t that bad if you don’t have a headache that’s so bad you literally beg a god you don’t believe in for death before digging into a bowl of cheerios.
4) I am not as funny sober as I am drunk. No one is. Drunk people are funnier because they literally don’t have have access to logic or control of themselves. This means you’re either sillier and more creative due to your lack of restraint, or you are so impossibly sad it’s hysterical.I’m not asking to be a hero, or a role model. But sometimes things just work out that way. I hope my story inspires you too to be a better person.**-Blake

 

 

 

**Editor’s Note: since the publishing of this post, Blake has started to drink again, and he’s the happiest and most productive he’s ever been in a week and a half.

Comedy Palace Tonight w/ Maron and Koechner

The amazing Sam Varela (http://nakedcomedy.org/) has let me do every show here this month, and this is my last one so please come. It’s free.

(reposted from http://comedypalacela.tumblr.com/)

The conclusion of Blake Wexler‘s August Residency!
Terence Newman (The Parlor Social)
Chris Garcia (Esquire, The Business)
Ryan Singer (CMT’s Next Big Comic Contest, Bob & Tom Show)
Joe Zimmerman (John Oliver’s NY Stand Up Show, Bears of Comedy)
Michelle Biloon (Chelsea Lately, The Late Late Show)
David Koechner (Anchorman, The Office, The Jeselnik Offensive)
Marc Maron (Maron, WTF with Marc Maron, The Tonight Show)

Hosted by Comedy Palace’s own Ed Salazar!

Doors 9pm, Show 9:30pm
2112 Hillhurst Ave., Los Angeles, California 90027
Full bar WITH DRINK SPECIALS!
Great Chinese food! Parking!

FREE