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Farewell to Key & Peele

Me Jordan Meatball
Tonight’s the series finale of Key & Peele a show that I really believe to be the most important sketch show ever, both culturally and to me personally. Before they let me be a PA before season 3 I was working at a liquor store, and two years later I left the show with relationships to people whom I honestly feel as close to as any one in my life.

Me Keegan Scream
I haven’t told too many people this, but when I told Keegan I had to stop being his assistant and accept another job, I literally cried my eyes out in his trailer. The fact that dude didn’t call the police in that moment shows how incredible of a guy he is.
Working with Keegan, Jordan, Peter Atencio, Jay Martel, and Ian Roberts was like going to an Ivy League Comedy Grad School. Them and the entire Key & Peele crew taught a 5 season clinic on the right way to do comedy.
I’ll really miss this show.
On a giddier note, here is my favorite Key & Peele sketch ever. How the fuck did they even get this on television?

“Happy Birthday Idiot”


I turned 26 on Monday, and received tons of very kind wishes from my friends and family. However, I also received a lot of vicious messages from people too and those were easily my favorites. Here are some of the best instances of how the people closest to me chose to wish me a happy birthday:


“Happy birthday you gutless scoundrel.” –David Tveite, comedian/known asshole

“Is this your real Birthday or is Facebook full of shit?” –Erik Allen, comedian

“Happy birthday Picker. Wish I coulda made your pig-joiner the other night…” –Chris Fleming, comedian (not mean, just really bizarre)

“Have a shitty day you fuckin asshole” –Greg, very close friend and former college roommate

“Happy birthday idiot” –Kevin, childhood best friend

“Whatever” –Yassir Lester, comedian (the lack of punctuation was the most devastating part of this)

“Id say “happy birthday”, but you deserve neither of those things.” –Eshan, roommate and best friend

“Dude no one gives a fuck.” –Don Zollo, comedian

“YOU GOT AIDS YO!” –Jono Zalay, comedian

Interview with “First Order Historians”

Here’s an interview I did with the website First Order Historians. This is really the only place that has ever published my thoughts on comedy and my own career, so if you’re into that shit get into that shit.

My Bizarre Twitter Conversation with Guster and The Olive Garden


Tweeted this, thought it was way funnier than anyone else did.

Guster Rhymes 1

Then Guster saw the tweet and immediately recognized how genius my idea was.

Guster Rhymes 2

Now that myself and Guster have committed to this revolutionary project, we just need the help of one more man. As if billions of dollars aren’t good enough motivation, Guster decided to sweeten the pot.

Guster Rhymes 3

Free pasta from one of the world’s most respected Italian bistros. God damn this is getting good.

Guster Rhymes 5

Holy shit, a 4th party throws their marinara-stained hat into the ring!  Olive Garden has pledged herself to the musical revolution! Don’t mess this up for us Busta Rhymes, you fast-talking motherjumper.

Guster Rhymes 6

Not sure what this means, but I can’t help but sense a hint of eroticism.

Westboro Baptist Church Doesn’t Get My Twitter Joke

Screen shot 2014-09-04 at 9.47.45 AMRecently The Westboro Baptist Church announced plans to protest various media outlets. The idea of calling it a “tour” was  hilarious to me, so I wrote this half decent-tweet (I give it a 6).

The fucking idiots shit over at The Westboro Church some how saw it, and of course totally didn’t pick up on the fact that I was making fun of them.

Screen shot 2014-09-04 at 9.48.16 AM

And then that tweet was allegedly retweeted by Fred Phelps’ dumb ass son.

Screen shot 2014-09-04 at 9.48.50 AM

I’m not going to respond to any of it because that’s their whole goal, but here’s a link to one of my favorite things that have ever happened on the internet, when Margie Phelps tweeted about how Steve Jobs was going to hell from her iPhone.

Silverback He-Bitches

[A silverback he-bitch past its prime, but still looking fine.]

If you know me in real life, or if you follow me on any social media site, you may have heard me reference something called a “silverback he-bitch” on an occasion or two. I now realize that I’ve never fully explained what these entities are. It’s not possible to overstate how important it is that more people become aware of the phenomenon that is the silverback he-bitch.

This silverback wants you to "lighten up" ;)

[This silverback wants you to “lighten up” ;) ]

The term “silverback he-bitch” originated in the 2005 critically acclaimed independent film, Duece Bigalow: European Gigolo. Though a mere throwaway line to describe an aging man-whore, that brief reference changed my life by giving me the guidance to assign a title to a breed and creed of elder gentlemen.


A silverback in its natural habitat, a bar.

[A silverback in its natural habitat, a bar.]

Generally speaking, silverback he-bitches are men 50 years of age or older who couldn’t care less about what society thinks of them. They love light denim, 85% of them are alcoholics, and 69 out of every 69 silverbacks have been divorced at least twice (it was totally their fault).


[Hell no.]

The silverback’s appearance is generally a good indicator of its attitude. The longer the mane, the bigger the fame. For instance, a silverback he-bitch with a little tiny pony tail has not fully committed to the life and reputation of a true silverback, so it deserves only a small amount of respect. That being said, this silverback may just be embarking upon the long journey of becoming “Top Shelf”, so it may be worth to keep an eye on that pup. Also, silverbacks with ponytails, even longer ones, are generally more business-like.

Top Shelf Silverback He-Bitch. Wow, it doesn't get better than this.

[Top Shelf Silverback He-Bitch. Wow, it really doesn’t get better than this.]

A silverback he-bitch with a long, beautiful, flowing mane, is, plainly speaking, Top Shelf. On numerous occasions I’ve nearly crashed my goddamn car because I saw one strutting down the side of the road. Top-Shelf Silverbacks don’t walk, they fucking strut. Their gray hair doesn’t show age, it shows experience. Top Shelf Silverback He-bitches are unapologetic, sexually deviants. The Top Shelf lives to pleasure women, almost exclusively with its mouth. THESE. MOTHERFUCKERS. EAT. ASS.

The only roof this silverback needs over its head, is a beautiful, silver fleece.

[The only roof this silverback needs over its head, is a beautiful, silver fleece.]

So there you go. Now you get it. The silverback he-bitch is to be respected, but keep your distance. You can’t hang with these guys. You don’t want to hang with these guys. If you see a top shelf silverback he-bitch, please post it on the internet under #SilverbackHeBitch.

Fly silver daddy, fly away.

[Fly silver daddy, fly away.]

Thanks for doing your part.

-Blake (I took all these photos)